My Baba

 

Death makes you age. A little of your past, your childhood is lost. In my case, a big chunk.

 

 

How do you deal with the passing of someone who is responsible for who you turned out to be? Someone who thought the world of you? Guilt and disgust at myself. A lump in the throat. A strange ache in the chest. A headache from the morning's crying.

 

The stomach rumbles and I ignore it. Then wonder if Baba would think it's ok to eat a Banana. I know he would. So I eat one. Back to sitting and thinking of happy times, waiting for the updates my brother and sister have promised to send me.

 

The eventuality I sensed would come - of being helplessly in tears, continents away - has come and it sucks. I yearn for my family. Parents, Brothers, Sisters, Grandmothers, Aunts, Uncles. Just being there, now, would have helped... to heal in that collective cathartic grief. But here I am turning to Skype and Facebook for solace.

 

Look at old pictures and cry some more. The finality sinks in. I will not see him when I go home. Shattering thought. Cry some more. No wait. Why am I crying? What a selfish wretch. He's in a better place. He had a good life. He knew it and went on his own terms. He also learnt his lessons as I know from our conversations. He will be cherished by his family. The good times will always be remembered.

The minutes trickle by, as 'Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust' is re-written. I wait alone wishing the better half were home. Bereft, holding a heavy head that feels like a block of wood. At some point I wonder why they say 'heavy heart' instead of 'heavy head'. I seek respite in a splash of cold water to the face and a mug of hot tea. A deep breath and a look out the window. And what do I see? A Blue Jay! Small, vividly coloured, puffing it's feathers, sitting calmly on a branch right outside my window.

 

 

 

Immediately I think of how excited Baba would be to see this. The thought brings a maniacal grin to my face before it melts away as I realize I cannot tell him about it. Or this.

 

Baba I love you. I am who I am because of you and hope I always make you proud. You loved me to a fault and gave me the attention I craved as a child. Only wish I had  spent more time with you when you craved it.

 

Till we meet again - Fare well. Heal yourself. Look over us all. Love you always. And when I feel downcast, I will have this.